Senior Highlights: Accepting the Reality of Your Death
Written by: Jo Turner, Professor, Family and Consumer Economics
Just about everyone I know has lost a family member or friend to death. There were five children in my mother’s family, three of them died in the first nine months of this year. Death is a reality for all of us. Even though you watch what you eat, exercises regularly and have annual checkups, this is still not enough to keep from becoming a statistic.
On any given day at least 130,000 people worldwide die. Some die of disease; others from starvation, murder, acts of war, accidents, or the easing away of the body after a life well lived. Some deaths are violent, others peaceful.
This is the first of a series of articles dealing with concerns of older Floridians that offer ideas and planning suggestions that will help make the older years golden and ease the pain of loosing a loved one.
Death may be just around the corner. Although we don’t like to think about it, each of us has a terminal condition. The meter runs. Some have five weeks, others decades. But every one of us has only so much time to live.
It is important that we come to terms with our own death. Unless we do so, we will have a limited ability to assist and understand those who are dying and those grieving the death of a loved one. Accepting your death will help to ease your fears and enable you to offer more peace and comfort to those struggling with death and loss.
Coming to terms with your own death also puts life in perspective. You see more clearly what’s important and what’s not. As a result, you are more likely to focus on values and goals close to your heart. Surprisingly, you may even find that you feel calmer and more alive.
Make peace with death. Take some time alone to ponder several or all of the following items. Go slowly, so that you can visit with the questions in a heartfelt way. Then discuss your responses with a good friend or family member.
- If you discovered you were going to die later today, would you make any phone calls? To whom? What would you say?
- Do you believe in God or another higher power, or a vision that lends purpose and meaning to your life?
- Do you have a philosophy on life or why we exist?
- Are you willing, given the limited time available to you, to say what’s on your mind? To do what you think is important? To stop hiding behind pretensions and facades and be the real you?
- What things are most important to you? Does the way you use time and set priorities reflect your most deeply held values?
- Are there changes you would like to make in the way you live routinely?
- Can you imagine your own death and write an obituary that expresses how you would like to be remembered?
- Do you sense in your most important relationships any unfinished business? A troubled relationship you’d like to heal? Love ones to which you might better express your feelings? Someone to whom you want to apologize or express thanks?
- Does the thought of your own death frighten you, or are you at peace with the idea? What do you believe happens after death? What could you do to better prepare yourself for dying when the time comes?
- What do you like best about your life? Consider how you are blessed. Ponder opportunities you might want to pursue.
Using Death to Enrich Life
Lawrence LeShan, author of Cancer as a Turning Point, believes each of us had a dream that burns brighter than all the rest. Some times we know this as a “passion.” “Those who have the courage to follow their heart live significantly healthier, richer lives,” LeShan says. He also suggestss the following three-part exercise as a way of exploring and perhaps living your dream or passion:
Imagine that six months from now, your outward life – the work you do, the place you live, the person or people you live with, the way you spend your time – can be exactly the way you want it. Describe what your ideal, outward life is like.
Think about your ideal inner life. Six months from now, what attitudes, gifts and abilities would you like to have acquired, developed or strengthened?
Consider your responses to the first two items. What efforts have you made recently to realize these things? What elements of your personality make such changes difficult? How might you overcome these internal obstacles?
Properly understood, death becomes an exquisite teacher, throwing life into sharp perspective and encouraging us to achieve our fullest potential. Death reminds us our time is limited, that it’s important not to put off those things we value most, that each moment is fresh and precious opportunity.
